Chapter 4

After we’d screamed our fill, I clutched my chest with one hand and the doorframe with the other. But then I realized I might be in danger, darted back into the entryway, and grabbed the box with the tree. I ran into the room and held it out in front of me like a rifle.

“For f…’s sake, sh…t, f…ck! What the hell kind of Fairy are you? I’ll show you ‘darling,’ you uninvited pest!” A deep, furious voice suddenly snarled. “Where did you come from? I’ll knock you out!”

No, the tree wasn’t going to save me. The man was advancing on me—tall, broad-shouldered, wearing a green sweater, and absolutely furious! I dashed for the front door, traded the tree for my suitcase, and raced back. In the living room, I tried to raise the suitcase threateningly, but its weight immediately dragged it back down. Damn, these weren’t my best ideas! I darted into the entryway again and lunged for the grocery bag. Feeling around, I found the champagne bottle and the bag of dumplings, grabbed both, jumped back to my battle position, and raised my weapons over my head.

There! Finally, something! I wasn’t going to retreat. Fine—I could handle two!

“Just try coming any closer, Hulk! I’ll crack you over the head and you’ll see your whole life flash before your eyes! I’m not kidding!” I warned him menacingly.

“Mase, who’s this? Your wife?”

“Like I need that! Some crazy idiot!” the man snarled. “How the hell did she get in here?”

“You’re the crazy one! I got in here like every normal person—through the door! This is my apartment, and I live here! Well, I will, starting right now! And you two? I have no idea who you are! A pair of horny con artists, that’s what! And amateurs to boot!”

“Wha-at?!”

His powerful arms shot up, and I decided not to wait for Hulk to attack. I threw the dumplings at him first. Then I spun around and ran for the entryway, planning to dive into the bedroom and barricade myself inside like the world’s first apartment guerrilla armed with champagne… But he grabbed me by the collar and yanked me back.

The bottle slipped from my fingers and rolled off somewhere. Before I could even gasp, I found myself outside the apartment, sitting on my butt on the landing with my hat over my face. Kicked out of the fairy-tale palace of the White Rug like a flea-bitten puppy that had wandered into it by mistake—so, so undignified.

“Dream on! I’m the one living here now, got it?! Get out of here, you little runt, before I squash you like a fly!”

Bang! The door slammed shut behind me, and I even heard the lock turn.

What?! I mean, what do you mean, “Get out”?! Was he talking to me?!

“Hey! Wait!” I jumped to my feet, utterly stunned by what had just happened, unable to believe someone could be that rude. I hammered my fists against the oak paneling. “Open up right now, Hulk! You have no right! Why, you… How could you… I’m calling the police! Hey!”

I pressed my nose to the crack and bellowed:

“Give me back my boots, goblin! It’s cold! I’m a human being, you know! Ow!” I jumped back when the door opened, and my boots flew onto the landing one after the other.

“Here. Quit whining.”

 Agh! Oof! Ugh! I stared wide-eyed, gasping indignantly as I watched the tree fly past first, followed by my suitcase, and finally the grocery bag, which came flying out like a bomb.

“Stop! Don’t you dare! My ca…”

Splat! The cake had already made a suspicious squelching sound inside its box, and of course the tangerines scattered across the floor. Only minutes ago, they’d been the color of my mood.

I froze halfway to the bag. I blinked several times in stunned disbelief, numb with outrage at such barbarism.

No. Impossible. Never, ever had anyone insulted me—Natasha Feyakina— like this !

“Have a good night… darling!” the rude man said behind me, as if spitting the words, then added dryly, “No, I wasn’t expecting you!”

“Why, you… Ohhh!”

I almost growled, feeling hellfire flare up inside me and rush to my cheeks. The cake was sacred! I turned toward my tormentor, clenched my hands into fists, narrowed my eyes to slits, and promised him, pulling my hat from my forehead to the back of my head:

“That’s it, Hulk! You’re done, you bastard! You asked for this!”

The bastard merely snorted and slammed the door in my face.

Take that! I kicked the oak paneling with all my strength, but immediately yelped, tucked my foot under myself, and started hopping around the landing. At that moment, all my grievances came rushing back at once: quiet Zhorik, Crocodile Tears, and the white rug with champagne.

Why is it that whenever things go wrong, everything goes wrong at once?