Chapter 4

"Vlad, tell me, aside from the fact that it's too soon for us to live together, are you happy with everything in our relationship?"

"Yes, completely."

"And the fact that there's no intimacy between us? Please be honest."

It's Sunday evening. Rybkin and I are walking through the park, and I finally dare to start a conversation that matters to me.

We've just said goodbye to Vlad's friends, who came over to his place, after which the whole group of us ended up at the birthday party of a guy I didn't know, in a fashionable club where it was loud and, overall, fun. And where I felt out of place but couldn't do anything about it. Especially because Vlad kept sitting me on his lap and kissing me. All while not listening to me at all because of the loud music and constantly getting distracted by his friends.

"Well, you said that if our relationship lasted a year and we became closer than friends, then everything would happen. I mean, it would happen."

"Yes, I said that. But... I just don't want you to be wrong about what to expect. I think the limits I live with feel too tight for you. You want more."

Rybkin looks genuinely surprised, as if he refuses to accept the point of my words.

"What kind of nonsense are you talking, Alice? Everything is great with us, isn't it?"

"I don't know. I think you're bored when it's just the two of us. Otherwise why are you always looking for company? Why do you try to show me off to everyone like a doll in a display window, even when I don't want that? Lately you've stopped asking what I want at all. Like today."

"That's stupid. It isn't like that! And even if I like the way other guys look at you, what's wrong with that? Let them envy me. You're with me anyway!"

Vlad stops and bends down to kiss me, but I finish what I'm saying, making him stop:

"Please, wait!" I step back. "You promised to listen!"

"What else is there, Alis?"

I gather the courage to say it. After all, it's hard to tell the truth to someone you've considered a friend, and even more than that, for a long time.

"Remember our conversation near the metro? When you suggested we live together."

"Of course. I don't know what came over me then. I asked you to forget it!"

"I couldn't. I thought about what you said, Vlad. About how this kind of relationship isn't enough for you. And about how much we have both changed over the past year. I'm no longer sure I'm the girl you need. I'm sorry, but that's what I feel."

Rybkin presses his lips together and rocks back on his heels. He shoves his hands into the pockets of his puffy jacket, stretching up in front of me: a solid guy with broad features and milky cheeks. The kind a beloved child has, one everyone protects and who won't have to grow up for a long time yet. And that isn't a bad thing. It's just...

"You see," I continue, "nothing will change for us anytime soon. You'll study, and so will I. And I'll also have to work and spend all my free time on it. I can see you don't like that, and I don't want to hold you back."

"And also," I don't finish aloud, only think it, "I had counted on us becoming emotionally close over this year, and then I'd tell you everything. And if you didn't turn away and accepted the real me, with my defect, then I would trust you completely.

But... it isn't happening."

"Of course not!" Vlad doesn't argue. "Sorry, Alice, but you have some kind of workaholic obsession. I hope you and I will go to a country lodge for the New Year holidays and relax there like normal people. I simply won't let you do anything! Or doubt anything either!"

"Do you hear me, Rybkin?"

"No!" Vlad steps close and hugs me. Kisses me on the lips. "I love you, Snowy! And I don't need other girls. I don't even notice them! Of course they throw themselves at me, but what difference does that make if I have you? And my mom is crazy about you! You're so unusual..."

"Only unusual? Is that what this is about?"

"Of course not only that! You're smart, beautiful, and well brought up. You don't play hard to get like the others, and you don't try to be liked. That's what hooks me! You're interesting to talk to, and I'm not ashamed to be seen with you. Everyone envies me! And you and I suit each other. I get such a rush from how we look together!"

Sometimes Vlad's words hurt me, like now. But he is too simple-hearted, selectively deaf, and completely unable to sense my mood to understand that.

We decide to postpone the serious conversation until the end of our experiment, and I still consider him my boyfriend when, a week later on Friday evening, I call Rybkin from the lobby of the English school and ask him to meet me.

Five minutes earlier I had finished my lessons with the students and was already about to go home, checking the plan for future lessons with the administrator at reception, when by chance I noticed a man in a suit and coat outside on the path. First I saw the bouquet in his hand, then I recognized my little student Katya's father in the stranger.

I didn't have a lesson with Little Shoe on my schedule, and I tensed. I had absolutely no desire to meet this Maksim, much less talk to him. But he seemed to have other plans.

"Look, Alice, what a handsome man. He was asking for you, by the way!"

The female administrator looked about sixty, so it was no wonder a grown man seemed to her only a little older than a boy.

"He is... he is my student's father. I think he is unhappy with me as a teacher. I already warned Maria Borisovna about it."

"He doesn't look unhappy," the woman snorts, with a hint of conspiracy. "Quite the opposite. He is interested in you!"

Without answering, I take my things over to the small sofa for the school's guests and call Vlad.

"Alice? Hi!"

"Hi, Vlad! Tell me, could you come right now and meet me at the school where I work? I really need you."

"Come?" I hear Vlad's slightly impatient voice. "Sure, I can. Only in about an hour and a half. I can't get there sooner; I have a workout."

"What if you move it?"

"Alis, I'm already at the gym. I stepped away as it is. The guys heard my phone ring and called me into the locker room."

"Um, okay. Fine, I'll call you back later."

"Make sure you do, Snowy! I'll be waiting!"

But I can't wait, so I dial my brother's number on my cell.

"Romka?! I need you! Right now!"

With my brother, I can speak plainly, and I tell him everything exactly as it is. Of course it's a little awkward, but it's still better than running into new insults and a conversation with a person I find unpleasant. I simply have to avoid him.

"Damn it, Alis! I'm out of town at our parents' place, but I'll think of something!"

About twenty minutes pass before I realize I can't hang around in the lobby forever. I have already gotten dressed, said goodbye to my colleagues, and memorized my lesson schedule in the hope that the man will get tired of waiting and leave. What could he even have to say to me?

But he keeps standing there stubbornly, glancing at the school windows, and in the end I have to sling my backpack strap over my shoulder and leave the building.

I go down the low front steps, and the student's father notices me. I lower my eyes in vain and try to walk past, but he catches up and grabs my elbow.

"Alice Yuryevna! Alice... wait, will you! I won't bite!"