Chapter 6

- For example, if we learn from mistakes, why is it so hard to accept failure?.. Is it wrong to steal food to feed a hungry child?.. When is a person more honest with himself: when he says yes but wants to say no? Or the other way around?.. Why do we scold ourselves more often than we praise ourselves? What will people say about you at your funeral?

Victoria laughs without much humor, catching the straw of her carton of iced tea with her lips.

- Oh, I know what ninety-nine percent of the students will answer you!

- And what is that? - Kevin prepares to write down her thoughts.

- Shove your ideonomics up your ass, Lawrence! And preferably don't come back! Have you completely lost your mind?

The boy has long been used to our group, so he moves the notebook aside and finally takes out his sandwich and drink.

- You should not say that, Victoria, - he says with a barely perceptible hurt in his voice. - Actually, it is very important to learn to answer uncomfortable questions for yourself. And the sooner, the better!

- It is all nonsense!

- I wouldn't say that. I do not want to live to forty before I learn how to do it. If you want to know, dissatisfaction with yourself worsens your quality of life, which is why working on self-awareness is so important!

- Kevin?

- What?

Victoria pushes her tea aside and bites her lower lip.

- Have you ever thought about sleeping with a girl? With me, for example? Come on, answer!

It is unexpected, but Vic often acts recklessly: first she does something, then she thinks, watching with interest to see where her courage will take her. The boy turns red as a tomato, and when I am already sure Lawrence will not answer, he finally says:

- To the first question, yes. To the second, no.

Victoria frowns and snorts, offended, opening her eyes wide:

- You are not my type either, got it? Not one bit! - and Pilar and I laugh.

- Stop sulking, Vic, - my friend says. - Why are you offended? It is not like you dream of sleeping with Lawrence either, right?

- Lena, wait! - Kevin catches up with me at the end of the break, at the very edge of the lawn, and, stopping me by the elbow, bites his lip in embarrassment. - I wanted to ask you something.

With an understanding little laugh, Pilar leaves, letting us be alone.

- About what?

Kevin is taller than I am, and I lift my head.

- What are you doing this weekend? Maybe we could go somewhere together? To a movie, or for a walk on the beach, I do not care.

Lawrence looks at me expectantly, and I cannot say his attention comes as a surprise to me. The thing is, I do care. I refuse to notice the boy's feelings, but he does not back down.

- I can't, Kevin. I am sorry, but... it will not work.

- Listen, Lena, I understand everything. Alex was my best friend too. I am not expecting anything, just a walk. I miss him too.

I know he is telling the truth. I look at the boy and see longing in his eyes. A lot of people miss Alex. But I am not ready to share him with anyone, or the memory of him either. To remember our meetings with someone else, childish as they were at their core, but full of the real feeling that burned in us and now smolders in me alone. Over the past year, we have all had time to grow up... except him.

I will never find Alex in his friend, or in any other boy, and I will not even try.

- Don't be upset, Kevin. No.

He is not upset. We are still friends, and we shake hands.