Chapter 4

It was still daytime, I felt emotionally flattened, and I drove horribly on the highway. I crawled through the city streets like a snail, ignoring the drivers honking from all sides.

When I reached the park, I was about to turn toward home… but unexpectedly stopped when I saw the familiar coffee kiosk at the bottom of the park steps.

All at once, I wanted to test my luck one more time.

And I wanted coffee—hot and bitter, like the hurt in my soul.

And also to cry properly on someone’s shoulder. To have someone stroke my hair and say words I could believe.

I sighed.

But I couldn’t cry on Zhenka’s shoulder. Not hers. I was her support in life. Her mother, her father, and…

A sharp lump suddenly lodged in my throat, and to keep it from choking me, I got out of the car and slammed the door. I breathed in deeply, letting the cooling air of the arriving winter into my lungs.

Snow—the first, light, barely noticeable snow—continued to fall, drifting before my eyes like threads of white cobweb. Weightless flakes drifted down to the ground and melted when they touched my cheeks.

I buttoned my coat, shoved my hands into my pockets, and walked, limping, to the coffee kiosk. I gave up on my hair. The medicine was wearing off, my ankle ached more and more, but three minutes from home, I could allow myself to be weak.

To hell with it! I could even allow myself to cry here, the way I once had. I’d simply forgotten it all, and now I remembered.

 
Near the familiar kiosk stood two very young girls flirting with the vendor. Or maybe the other way around. The guy handed each of them a latte, and the girls, laughing, made a date with him in the same place tomorrow. Then, pleased with their own boldness, they fluttered away.

Ah, carefree youth. Kisses under the snow, eyes locked on eyes, and waiting for a miracle. Too bad I’d had nothing like it. And flirting so easily with guys had never worked for me. I had smiled at a guy I liked once… and remembered that life lesson forever.

“Good afternoon! What can I get you?… Oh, it’s you again?” the vendor said, delighted when I appeared in front of his window, gloomy and disheveled. He smiled broadly, as if he’d seen a good acquaintance rather than the angry customer who had spoiled his mood that morning. “Americano, as usual?”

I tensed, expecting a catch.

“Are you sure you haven’t run out of coffee?” I asked suspiciously.

“Positive. Right after you, they delivered a double supply!”

“And the machine is working without problems?”

“Like clockwork! I still don’t know what happened to it this morning. So what can I make you? Tea, cocoa. I can even heat up cola if you want!”

No, he really was a comedian.

“Triple espresso and a hot dog,” I exhaled decisively before I could change my mind. “Yes, give me a hot dog, please!”

“Want me to mix in some luck?” the guy went on smiling. “You look very sad today.”

“Whiskey would be better, but you don’t have that anyway…”

I paid, took my order, and moved along the path to a solitary bench. Sitting on its edge, I began eating my hot dog.

I didn’t look around, giving myself over to grief and sad thoughts, so I didn’t notice when someone appeared beside me on the bench…

No, not someone. The old groundskeeper I already knew. Or more precisely, the cleaning manager who wielded a broom with virtuoso skill.

Settling on the other end of the bench and crossing one leg over the other, the old woman smoked, holding a cigarette in a holder in one hand, while with the other she stroked the big black cat. The same yellow-eyed one that had brazenly stolen my breakfast on this very path.

Suddenly it seemed to me that the cat winked at me, and I shuddered. I almost dropped a piece of sausage from my mouth!

God, now I was seeing uncanny things in broad daylight!

Turning away, I squeezed my eyes shut, driving away the unwanted tears. I really had gone completely soft.

There was still coffee in the cup and a hot dog in my hand. I sipped the bitter espresso and took a bite of the bun. In this park, anyone could sit wherever they liked, and I was not going to change those rules.

“Look at her, sitting there grieving herself to death. Spreading misery all over the place. She ought to be glad she crawled out of that swamp-vampire’s bog. Another year, and it would’ve sucked her in so deep she’d never get out!”

There were two of us sitting on the bench, and I hurried to swallow my bite.

“A-are you talking to me?” I asked, glancing sideways at the woman.

“To the cat.”

“Ah…”

Hmm. What a meaningful conversation. And the best part was, one word made everything clear.

And although I turned away, I couldn’t get back to my sad thoughts. The old woman put the holder to her lips and exhaled smoke. Then she extended a bone cigarette case in my direction.

“Want one? I roll them myself. Fine tobacco. Blows all the nonsense right out of your head.”

“Thank you, but I don’t smoke.”

“And you’re right not to. A healthy lifestyle’s better for a girl. I tell my granddaughter that too. All these newfangled things: fitness, dieting, Vipassana… Might as well stand on your head if the blood’s drained away from your brain!”

“Vipa… what?” I glanced sideways at the woman again.

“Well, there’s a meditation like that, for self-assertion. A method for cleansing the mind. What I fixed for you with the broom.”

“Ah…”

The old woman was wearing a winter work coverall and a cap with a visor. She did not give the impression of being insane, but how much can you really tell about a person by appearance? I didn’t even try.

We sat for a little while in silence. I finished my hot dog and drank the last of my coffee. The old woman seemed to have been waiting for just that. As soon as the empty cup dropped into the trash can, she hid the holder and cigarette case in her pocket and spoke. This time, her question was addressed to me:

“Well then, Angelina, they fired you after all?”

I turned my head and looked at the woman. That was the main question, the one that had me sitting here now.

“Yes, they fired me,” I answered reluctantly. “Just like you predicted this morning.”

“So why the long face?” my neighbor continued, not without sympathy. “Some tragedy. You’ll find a new job, an even better one!”

“I’m thinking.”

The old woman narrowed one brown eye.

“About what? Want to know how I found out about your firing? Is that why you dropped by?”

Look at how perceptive this “manager” was.

I nodded.

“Yes, I do.”

All right, she could have heard my name when I introduced myself to the sergeant that morning. But everything else had happened far outside the park. So how could she possibly know what would happen?

That was what had given me no peace when I stopped my Porsche and entered the park.

“Simple as anything.” The woman of indeterminate old age raised a finger. “The crows cawed it to me. Those devils are such gossips, the things you hear from them…”

I felt my lips twitch. Some people’s lives were collapsing, and this… cleaning worker!… was sitting here making fun of it!

“Well, really!” I shot up from the bench, my eyes flashing angrily so I wouldn’t burst into tears. “Very funny, ma’am! Go ahead and mock me. That’s the kind of day it is—laugh till you cry! All that’s left is to tattoo ‘Loser’ on my forehead and go entertain people!”